i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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