oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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