i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
