I can tuck mytits in my pants
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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