just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
