i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
