Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
