She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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