what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
drinking out of a sandbucket again
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
