"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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