Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
