I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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