there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
