Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize