I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
