you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You pole danced in your parka.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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