Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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