We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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