You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
