my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
