she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
