i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
