Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
