I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
