Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
