Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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