go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
