So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
