those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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