what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
