Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
