.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
