your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
