Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
