I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
