You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
