cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
