I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
