Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
