she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Damn victory sex feels great
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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