remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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