i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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