I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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