apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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