i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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