i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize