my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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