he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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