my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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