Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
