i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
