i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
