So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
