Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
