Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
