all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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