I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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