finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
