After last night, I could never be a politician.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
