Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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