if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
