i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize