So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
